Can you describe the moment right before you orgasm? Are you familiar enough with how it feels to be able to pause and slow down before that point of no return? It’s a little bit different for everyone, and if you don’t know what it feels like for you it’s definitely worth taking the time to learn.
We mindlessly race towards that point when we’re masturbating, then expect ourselves to be able to identify and control it in the heat of the moment during sex and get frustrated when we can’t. And when you’re in your own head and preoccupied with anxiety about finishing too quickly or your performance in general, you’re not focused on your own pleasure or your partner’s.
Is this something that you’ve ever even thought about while masturbating? Probably not – for most of us the instant gratification is part of the point of masturbation, right? We’re not usually thinking in terms of getting in touch with ourselves or learning about our bodies or anything like that, we’re just thinking about getting off, or not thinking at all. And there’s nothing wrong with that – “mindless” masturbation can be pretty great. But if your goal is to have more control during sex, a more mindful approach to masturbation can help.
The next time you masturbate, really focus on every sensation that you feel, and pay attention to your body’s response to different speeds and types of stimulation. Work on identifying your own personal point of no return and what it feels like right before you get there, and see if you can slow the action down when you get to that place. If you usually use porn to masturbate, try going without it sometimes so you can pay more attention to yourself.
It might feel weird at first to be fully aware and present through the whole experience rather than distracted or just rushing towards orgasm, but if you let yourself get past that you’ll gain some valuable insights that will serve you well in the bedroom. If it helps, just think of it like any other type of fitness goal – you have to know what you’re capable of and what works well for you before you can test your limits and make the most of your skills
Are you a spectator in the bedroom? No, we’re not talking about watching your partner masturbate or playing voyeur at a play party – those things can be awesome if you’re into them. We’re talking about a common practice that you may not be aware of that could be holding you back from fully enjoying yourself during sex.
Spectatoring is a concept that was introduced by pioneering sexuality researchers Masters and Johnson, and it basically means that you’re watching and monitoring yourself during sex instead of being fully immersed in the experience.
You may be worrying about your body and how you look, criticizing your own performance, or wondering whether you’re really pleasing your partner. You’re so busy in your head that you’re disconnected from what your body’s feeling and what your partner is experiencing. This ongoing self-conscious commentary can fuel anxieties that negatively impact your performance or just result in experiences that aren’t as pleasurable as they could be.
One of the best ways to break the habit of spectatoring is by practicing mindfulness. Mindful practices are about focusing your attention on the present, staying in the moment, and trying to be aware of all of the sensations in your body. You don’t need to totally empty your head of every single thought, but let them pass through without getting distracted by them and stay focused on your breathing and what your body is feeling.
Mindfulness also encourages a non-judgmental approach to the thoughts that do come up, which means letting them come and go instead of getting into a cycle of having negative or self-critical thoughts and then beating yourself up for having them.
It can take some time to train yourself to stop spectatoring during sex, but it’s easy to start incorporating some more mindful practices into your daily life. When you bring that approach into the bedroom, you and your partner will feel the difference and you’ll never want to bring your inner spectator along for the ride again
Even if you’ve never heard terms like “death grip syndrome”, many of you will know what I’m talking about here. A lot of guys use a very firm grip while masturbating, and while there’s nothing wrong with that as long as you’re not irritating your skin, it can create a situation where you have a difficult time reaching orgasm without that amount of pressure. This obviously poses some challenges when you’re with a partner and you want your body to respond to a variety of stimulation.
It’s not just an Olympian-going-for-gold-on-the-high-bar grip that can cause problems, but any super specific and repetitive masturbation technique, or what experts sometimes refer to as “idiosyncratic masturbation”. It’s like you’re training your body to “need” that unique technique to orgasm, which can be very different from what you feel with a partner.
The more responsive your body is to different types of sensation, the better your sex life will be, so experiment with varying levels of pressure and different types of touch. If you have an idiosyncratic technique, try retiring it for awhile and focus on retraining your body to like variety
You may think that mindful masturbation is an interesting concept but you’re not sure if it applies to you, or you’re intrigued but not sure the benefits would be worth changing your routine. Or maybe you’re rolling your eyes and thinking that this whole thing is just taking the mindfulness trend a step too far. Whatever the case, it can’t hurt to ask yourself some of these questions to see if you’re getting the most out of your masturbation routine.
- Do you masturbate with the goal of getting off as quickly as possible, but want partnered sex to last longer?
- Do you use the same exact masturbation routine every time, but want your partnered sex life to include variety and new experiences?
- Have you trained your body through masturbation to respond to one very specific style of stimulation, making it more difficult to experience arousal and achieve orgasm through varied and different stimulation during partnered sex?
- Are you so “auto-pilot” about your masturbation routine that you feel disconnected and not fully present in the experience?
If your answer was yes to even one of these questions, you may want to stick around and see how mindful masturbation can help you take your sexual health and pleasure to the next level
Here at Blewit, we’re all about mindful masturbation. But what exactly does that mean? Here are the basics:
First, take a minute to think about your masturbation habits. A lot of guys find something that works for them and pretty much stick to the same routine and technique. And since these routines are usually developed when you’re young and getting off before getting caught is a priority, rushing to orgasm is often the main goal.
So in other words, it’s a pretty mindless process and many of us never really stop to think about it. This is the first step towards a more mindful approach to masturbation – starting to think about it as an important part of your sex life and a tool that you can use to experience more pleasure solo and with a partner.
Using a repetitive routine and the same goal of a quick orgasm that you had as a teenager may still feel good – and there’s nothing wrong with it, masturbation is normal and healthy and awesome – but there are a lot of benefits to trying a new approach. You can set new goals and turn masturbation into a form of training to help you last longer during sex, learn more about what you like so you can share that with partners, and make your body more responsive.
Here are a few easy ways to get started:
- Set a new goal – taking your time and lasting longer, experimenting with a different type of stimulation, trying to discover a new technique that you like, or anything else that will help you approach the whole experience differently
- Switch up the basics of your routine – a different position or location or even time of day from whatever you normally do
- Focus on what you’re feeling in your entire body – mindfulness teaches you to become more aware of sensations in your body, which is a skill that has obvious benefits in the bedroom
- Rethink your accessories – add lube if you normally don’t use it, and if porn is part of your routine try skipping it sometimes to see if you feel less distracted. If you usually use a sex toy to masturbate, try going without it or try a different type of toy. And if you usually just use your hand, try incorporating some toys into your routine.
You’ve probably heard a lot about how mindfulness can help you everywhere from the office to the gym, but you might not be aware that it also has a lot to offer your sex life. Adding mindful practices like meditation to your daily routine can produce benefits like better sleep and reduced stress that have a positive impact on your sexual health. But beyond that, the skills and concepts that mindfulness teaches you can add a new dimension to both solo and partnered sex.
One of the main goals of mindfulness is trying to focus on the present. Instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, just be present in the current moment. Developing this sense of presence and bringing it with you into the bedroom would mean seeing every sexual encounter (including masturbation) with fresh eyes. Instead of worrying about what could go wrong or what has gone wrong in the past, just focus on what’s happening now and what you and your partner are feeling in the moment. Instead of defaulting to the same routine every time (alone or with a partner), consider what you really want right now. Instead of being goal-oriented and just thinking ahead to the orgasm, enjoy the whole experience as it unfolds.
Another mindful practice is developing more awareness, including awareness of sensations that you’re feeling in your body. Applied to sexuality, this skill could help you learn how your body responds to different types of stimulation, and give you a clearer picture of what you like. Pleasure can be heightened when you’re fully experiencing sensation throughout your body.
Once you start to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, most mindful practices recommend trying to accept whatever comes up in a non-judgmental way. This can be a really helpful concept to apply to sexuality, which is affected by so many external factors like sex education, the opinions of partners, and stigmas and stereotypes in society. Approaching your sexual thoughts and feelings in an accepting and non-judgmental way can help you to put less pressure on yourself to perform a certain way and reduce expectations around how things are “supposed to” go so you can focus on what you and your partner actually want. It can create space for desires, fantasies, and feelings to come up that you might want to explore.
Your masturbation routine is a great place to start bringing mindfulness into your sex life. Instead of masturbating the same way you always do or trying to ‘get the job done’ as quickly as possible, adjust your mindset and try taking your time and staying in the moment. See what thoughts and feelings come up without judging or doubting them. Over time, this mindful approach to sexuality can produce a greater sense of calm, confidence, and control that helps you find new levels of pleasure